And now a few words from our sponsors…
We at The Facility would like to thank you for buying our “things outside the skin” ™ brand “God in a Box” ™. We hope that this pre-packaged salvation will provide you with many years of enjoyment. Imagine… now you can do anything! In the past, you’d have to pay dearly for your mistakes or crimes against humanity… but now, simply put, you don’t have to or your money back!
IT’S EASY TO USE!!!
Salvation was never so easy! It’s simple. After some horrible, inexcusable, irreparable, unmistakably BAD thing that you’ve done, open your “things outside the skin”™ brand “God in a Box”™ and look for the specially designed “Crucified Baby with Nail in Crotch” image. This image has been specially made to invoke divine acts of God. After finding the image, rub your finger on its belly button and pronounce these magic words in a bold, deep voice, “Good Golly! Holy Moly! Hey, God, I’m white! How the Hell could this happen to me?!
“Does it only work if I’m white? Hey, that’s not fair!”
Heck no! Our “things outside the skin” brand “God in a Box” is not only a multi-racial product, but also multi-gender and multi-deity. Sing your magic words to any god you believe in! Just replace “God” with some other Holy guy, “Hell” with your horrible place of choice, and “white” with your current pigmentation.
“Hey, I just killed two women, raped a child, and burned a bunch of Jewish people. I tried using my “things outside the skin” brand “God in a Box” but it didn’t work… what gives?”
If for some reason your “things outside the skin” brand “God in a Box” is defective, you can return it for a full refund or exchange within 90 days. This, however, is probably not the case! What you need is:
AN EXCUSE TO BLAME OTHERS!
For really bad stuff, you can buy our “things outside the skin”™ brand “BLAME ver.4.3” plug-in. This is an excellent back-up device and is recommended for anyone that could use a scapegoat. Our “BLAME ver. 4.3” plug-in will give you instant excuses, people, bands, video games, television shows, movies, and toys that could have been a DIRECT REASON for your heinous crime! Our “BLAME ver 4.3” plug-in will even give you “Old Skool” excuses like: radio, dancing, Huckleberry Finn, and many more!
SPECIAL CULT MODE NOW INSTALLED!
Do watcha’ want! You’ve only got one life, so why not step on anyone you can? Have FUN! Get your friends to buy “things outside the skin” brand “God in a Box” and the “BLAME ver 4.3” plug-in now! If more than three of your friends have our “things outside the skin” brand products, a special “CULT” mode will be activated inside your “God in a Box” — opening even more features and options!